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Not a day goes by that I don’t think about you. Maybe that is why it doesn’t seem possible that a year has gone by since I got the phone call. A nurse told me that you had only moments left. I grabbed my keys and was out the door, but you were gone by the time it took me to drive the five minutes to hospice. I ran into the room only to see the empty husk that used to house all the beauty that was you. The nurse standing at the foot of the bed told me you had passed only moments before. Your struggle of the previous six months was finally over. I know you weren’t alone in the final seconds, but I still feel occasional guilt that it wasn’t me with you. I know that isn’t logical, but there it is anyway.

Thanks to family and friends I’ve kept busy this past year. Because of them I have not let my life come to a standstill now that you are no longer physically here with me. I have laughed and experienced new adventures even though a year ago I didn’t think that would ever be possible. Throughout it all you are here in my thoughts sharing along with me. When I act silly, or cross that line of decorum as I am wont to do, I know you are there be beside me shaking your head.

I miss you. I miss your laugh. I miss hearing about how your day went. I miss holding your hand as we walk down the street. I miss laying in bed at night and hearing you breath. I miss... this list could be endless. But enough with the sadness already. I have too many happy memories to let this day rule over all the others.

You were not my first love, but you are my best love. I cherish that above all else.

 

I have given my Bucket List a lot of thought these past few weeks. I think the reason for this is twofold: one, I am fast approaching forty-five which means I should be well into my mid life crisis; and two, the anniversary of my partner’s death is next week. The latter alone is reminder enough not to fuck around with my time. If there is something I want to do, then I need to do it. I don’t want to be one of those people that say, “I can’t wait until I retire so I can travel.”Because you know what happens to those people, right? They die two years after they retire never having done anything

I have already done some things in my life that I say, “I can scratch that off my bucket list.” I didn’t set out to have these experiences with a life time goal in mind. They are occurrences that once done I realize was something unique to me. It is almost like working my List in reverse. I do something, add it to my bucket list, and then scratch it off. It gives me a sense of achievement. Maybe that’s the way bucket lists should really work. Instead of “I want to do this before I die” it should be “I’ve done that. What’s next?”

Some of the things that I have scratched off the List in no particular order are:

1)   Visited the Grand Canyon

2)   Seen the Mona Lisa and the Eiffel Tower

3)   Swam naked in the Pacific Ocean

4)   Been involved in a fourgy

5)   Received an “erotic massage” from a professional  as a birthday gift from my late husband (by the way, one of the best birthday gifts EVER)

6)   Flown First Class

7)   Witnessed a public sex act

8)   Got kicked out of the Tower, formally known as Sears

9)   Snuck into a movie without paying

10) Traveled to New England

So what is on my Bucket List now? Here is the short list:

1)   Travel to the United Kingdom and visit friends (which is happening this year)

2)   Visit Canada. I mean it is right there. I have no excuse not to go. I’ve been to Mexico after all

3)   Travel to Florida. I think I’m one of the few people left that has never been

4)   Learn another language. I know enough of different languages to get me laid or killed, but I really should know more than that

5)   This is one is the biggy. It is the dream of all dreams. I want to live abroad for at least one year. If I have one huge Bucket List goal, it is this one

I am sure other experiences will come along that I will add, and then scratch off, from my List. The important part is to go out and create life experience instead of waiting for them to come to me. I leave this post with a couple of questions for anyone who might be reading it. What is an item on your Bucket List? What is something that you have done that I might add to my own? I look forward to your responses.

I know. It’s been a while since I had the gumption to sit down and actually write a blog entry. It’s not like I didn’t have anything to write about. I think it has more to do with my last blog post. I’m lazy. As many of you know, it actually takes effort and some dedication to put one’s thought into words on a page. I have what I think are these brilliant ideas, but they never make it out of my head. So with the New Year comes a new effort to do better.

The last year and a half were difficult on many levels. I can only reiterate how fortunate I am to have family and friends that have helped me along the way. I didn’t think I would be able to get through the holidays without some sort of a break down. I was only weepy a few times with some bad dreams thrown into the mix. I truly believe my survival is due to the love and support of people close and far that helped make this an okay holiday season.

Now that we are facing a new decade it’s time to start putting my life back into some resemblance of order. I have to find a new place to live. Sincerely not looking forward to that adventure, but it will be good to find a place that feels like a home again. I have started by making plans to visit England and Scotland during May for vacation. I want to take up my hobby again and start learning how to really take pictures besides doing the point and click. I keep thinking about learning a new language.  Life is too short to at least attempt something new.

Finally, I want to thank my friends RJ, Rhyse and Annie for being with me to ring in 2010. There is an old wives tell about how you spend New Year’s Evening will reflect the events of the coming year. If this is the case then this year is going to be filled with love, happiness and adventure. I can hardly wait.

~love~

If it is true that cleanliness is next to godliness, then I’m morally bankrupt. Let me be completely honest here. I’m a slob. I am the type of person that lays something down and doesn’t bother to pick it up again until it’s needed, or I’m forced to move it. Sitting here right now I can count 5 pairs of shoes that I have kicked off as soon as I walked inside the house. It’s amazing that I haven’t tripped over one of them and broken my neck.

Over the past seven years I was fortunate to be with a great man who didn’t mind getting up early on a Sunday morning and cleaning the house. What was even better he let me sleep in while he did it. This is just one of the many things that made Doug the wonderful person that he was. Not the cleaning part mind you, although that was truly wonderful, but his having the patience to put up with my sheer laziness. He never got upset with me. Instead Doug would ask me if I could pick up the glasses I left here and there and put them in the dishwasher. I was loved, and let’s face it, completely spoiled.

I’m a bit of a nerd. I’ll admit that. As proof of my nerdness I spent this past weekend hanging out with friends from my hometown playing Dungeon and Dragons. Yes, the pretend you are level 12 wizard or paladin and fight monsters D&D. I’ve played off and on with these guys in one form or another over the past fifteen years, give or take. I don’t think we ever actually finished a campaign, but it’s been more about getting together,forgetting our troubles and just having a good time. Recently we started upagain through the marvel of modern technology. We connect every other week or so through Skype, tell bad jokes, rib each other mercilessly and generally havea good time. Last weekend was great because we were able to do it face to face.

I won’t go into details of monsters fought (acid spitting lizard men) or player character deaths (there were two). I’ll just mention that we stayed up until 3:30 AM a couple nights in a row getting our nerd on. In between battling dragons (for those in the know there was a black one) there was also swimming and beer. There was also GenCon on Sunday which was used as the initial excuse to get together. I really had only one reason to want to go to GenCon and that was to get myself an utilikilt. I’ve been eyeballing them for several years now. When I found out that Utilikilt had a booth at the convention the money was already spent before I got there. Of course like any good D&D nerd I bought new dice, too. Don't worry the picture isn't of the new dice.

This weekend I am hanging out with friends from my adopted hometown. I
say adopted because the town where I grew up could burst into flames
or get destroyed in a meteor strike for all I care; not that I'm
bitter. It's been a weekend of nerdy D&D, swimming in the pool,
playing hoops (well not me so much) thus far. Not bad for a bunch of
geeks.

Next up is more gaming and a nerd gathering at the Indianapolis
GenCon. There's probably a beer a my future, too.



Sent from my iPhone

Back in April my friend Annie asked me what I was doing the weekend of June 26. I didn’t have anything planned and told her as much. “The gays are getting together and throwing me a birthday party. You should come visit me,” Annie said to me. This is how I ended up going Chicago Pride 2009.

I flew into Chicago early Friday morning. I know flying to Chicago is kind of lame, but Ihad no desire to drive and didn’t know that much about the Megabus at that time. I stayed at the swanky Affinia Hotel which as just a block from the Magnificent Mile. It was one of those once in a life time experiences where onegets the chance to stay in a four star hotel. My people—the lower middle class—don’t get such chances often and should take them when the opportunity arises.

 I met Annie later that afternoon. She suggested we meet at the Water Tower Place. Since this was only my second trip to Chicago, and my first on the Magnificent Mile, I didn’t know that the WaterTower was a glorified mall. I quickly discovered that not only were there stores on every level, but that most of them had huge sales going on. If asked to name one of my greatest weaknesses, I would have to say the ability to pass up a 75% off sale.

After shopping up and down Michigan Avenue and some food I headed back to the hotel to wait for my friend RJ to show up. We had made plans to hang out and gay it up together over the weekend. I wish I could recall all of the places we visited, but unfortunately I’ve waited too long to put these memories down to recall every detail. I know we saw Wrigley Field. It’s too bad I am not much of a baseball fan so I could be duly impressed. Of course there was the Parade,the second largest in Chicago besides the St. Patrick’s Day parade, and Boys Town. The fact that I was surrounded by what seemed like hundreds of thousands gays and lesbians is a wonderful experience for this small town gay guy. And I got the chance to see The Blue Man Group thanks to Annie.

At the street festival I had the chance to see a band The Joans thanks to Jeff Ramone. The Joans are a terrific band that finds its inspiration in Joan Crawford. There was aslo a drag show and Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence. It was a great weekend spent with friends and full of fun while not being too wild and crazy. I look forward to going back in October and celebrating Halloween with my wonderful friend Annie.

For more pictures of my trip to Chicago check out the photos tab.

My second trip in June took me to Columbus, Ohio. I had heard that there was no Ohio Pride like a Columbus Ohio Pride. This in itself had me looking forward to spending the weekend there. I had only been to Columbus a couple times before. Once was a weekend trip to visit a nephew who is living there. Another time was to pick up a different nephew who was coming home for a visit from Norfolk. Somehow I got volunteered to make the trip. Most often when it comes to my family I can’t say no, however that isn’t important to this particular story. This Columbus Pride weekend was my time to explore the capital city.

I arrived Friday evening checked into my hotel room and called an online friend who was going to show me around. I was to meet him and his boyfriend at Goodale Park where the Pride festival was taking place. That should have been easy enough to accomplish. There was just one outstanding factor in the scheme. I can get lost turning around. What is worse is that even though I know and acknowledge this fact I hate to ask for directions. So here I am leaving the hotel thinking I’ll just follow this group of people. Surely they will lead me to the place I need to go.

The people I was following did not go to the festival grounds. They instead went into some restaurant. Somehow what should have been about a fifteen minute walk tuned into an hour and a half of wandering around aimlessly. Why is it that when one is in the midst of a fiasco every decision seems like a good idea? It is only with hind sight that one understands what a moronic move it is not to stop and ask, “Can you tell me where there is a huge gathering of homos in the area?”

 Frustrated, sweaty and near the point of tears I called my friend. I got so turned around that apparently I was in a bad neighborhood. It didn’t seem that bad, but the worry in Louis’ voice made me a little panicky. Somehow I made it back hotel. By that time it was too late to meet anyone. I showered, went down to the hotel restaurant, and had a couple pints of beer. This made me feel a little better, but my first big gay night in a new city was a disaster. The saving grace to it all was another friend Nick had graciously accepted the task of showing me around the area. The reason that he wasn’t there during my meandering around downtown Columbus was the fact that he had to work and was coming from out of town himself. Thankfully Nick showed up to guide me through the rest of the weekend.

I was a very proud homo this year during the month of June. I was so proud in fact that I attended three different Pride events. Yes, you read that right: three events. I had the opportunity to visit Cincinnati, Columbus and Chicago all in the span of three weeks. Let me tell you one thing right off being prideful is tiring. I had great fun though and that's the important part. 

The first event was Cincinnati's Pride over the June 13 weekend. My friend RJ came down from Illinois to help me celebrate the local event. We started off Friday night with dinner and seeing the movie The Hangover. While not exactly a Pride event, it was two queers in public at the same time in this small mid-western town. That's got to count for something. We made up for it Saturday night by going to the local leather bar The Serpent.

As a side note I've been to The Serpent a total of three times thus far. The first time my cousin-in-law took me. I was on a much needed drunk and don't remember much about the experience. I do recall being that over flirtatious kind of drunk and kissing several guys. I also remember being titillated by the various cock rings on display in the--since I can't think of a better term--gift shop.  The second time I was with my friend Barry. In my naivete I walked to the back of the darkened bar where a group of men where standing in a circle. I asked what what was going on and looked over someone's shoulder. There in the center was a guy on his knees going to town on some dude's dick. I can now scratch "witness a public sex act" off my bucket list. All of this brings us up to date with visit number three.

So there we were with me dressed in a tee shirt and jeans and RJ wearing his collar and leash at the bar. It was crowded with it being Pride weekend. All sorts were in attendance: College Frat boys; leather aficionados; twinks; bears and more. No one group stood out more than the next and all intermingled. I saw several guys I know including my cousin-in-law. After some beveraging my cousin-in-law, RJ and I went into the "gift shop" area. It was there that I had one of the best shopping experiences of my life.  See, I had been thinking about those cock rings ever since I had drunkenly spied them on my first trip. It was time to make a purchase.

Not knowing much about such things I picked out a chrome cock ring. My cousin-in-law suggested I try it one to make sure it fits. I looked at him incredulously and asked like a dumb ass, "where?" The answer was here, of course. So there I stood in a crowded bar with a cock ring in on hand and my dick in another. I can now scratch "pulling my cock out in a public place" off my list of things to do before I die. I don't think it was ever actually on the list, but I can say I've done it. That isn't the best part. The best part came when the clerk said he could size me if I didn't mind. I said okay not exactly sure what I was agreeing to. The clerk, who is a sexy muscle bear, proceeded to wrap his fingers around my cock and balls. He then went and got me a chrome cock ring from a stash under a counter. "Try this." Once again I went through the drill of trying on the ring. Perfect fit. There is something to be said about experienced customer service with a hands on approach.

Sunday was the day of the Pride parade and another adventure where I could scratch two more items off my bucket list. Those two items will have to wait until another post.  The parade itself wasn't bad for a conservative town like Cincy. I have to give props to all involved to make the event happen in the first place.



Next up: Columbus Pride

On the eve of my 44th birthday I am publishing my blog on a new sight.  Like me, it is a work in progress. This past year has been difficult.  It was this time last year that my partner Doug Feld and I discovered he had cancer. It was this week last year that we thought a scary situation had been avoided by surgery and that our lives were back on track.  It would not be until September that we would find out his cancer had come back with a vengeance.

I will most likely on occasion still blog about feeling blue and the process of grief, but I want to blog about fun, sexy and wicked things, too.  I want to show my few readers out there that I'm not all gloom.  I want that show that side of me that Doug fell in love with.  Maybe through this blog you, dear reader, will not only have a sense of who I am, but also who Doug was.  He was a fun, caring, generous person that loved cheesy horror movies and Xavier basketball.  He was also my V.O.R. (Voice of Reason).  He was the balance to my craziness.  So if I feel I may be getting out of control I will  try and remember how he reigned me in.  The following is a classic example.

We were at a friend's birthday party a couple of years ago where alcohol flowed freely.  Me being me I had more than a few drinks.  As the night wore on, and as I got drunker, someone suggested getting into the hot tub.  I was stripping off my clothes when I heard Doug say, "It's time to go now."  I reluctantly put my clothes back on and said my good byes.  We didn't leave because I was drunk and almost naked.  It wasn't because I was flirting with anyone that made eye contact.  It was, he said the next day, "Because I didn't want you to drown."  And he sincerely meant it.